Love Hard

The past several months have brought with them a different kind of magic; A magic only ignited through deep loss, grief, closure and painful goodbyes. It's a kind of magic that actually bleeds music; Sounds that I had never heard before.

In an effort to stay afloat during what felt like a torrential hurricane of emotion, I found myself counting breaths; A cacophony of inhales and exhales that simply wandered... looking for a place to land.

I am hard-wired with a propensity to over-think. And so, mingled with my freely dancing breaths, countless over-thoughts frantically tangled themselves around each other; Grief and Beauty each seeking to drain the life from the other. 

I've watched loved ones say goodbye silently over the course of months, disguised as decades, without any explanation. Assumptions, fear, confusion and silence robbed reality right out of thin air! I've second-guessed, then triple, then quadruple-guessed myself into such a corner that eventually even the corner kicked me out. So I went on a long walk, and took my guesses with me.

Friendships once held so intimately, simply turned and walked away; Leaving in its' wake, misunderstandings, insecurities, and whispered accusations.  Memories turned their back on truth. And keys were thrown miles out to sea. Maybe they'll wash up on shore again someday when the tide of being missed rolls in. Maybe they won't. But I will keep walking the water's edge, with full intention of finding the keys again someday. Real friendships are at least worth that!

I've also been heart-deep in the frightening uncertainty of medical tests that threaten the foundation of life as we know it. I've watched the fear creep across the faces of warriors and their trembling loved ones. And to their knees they've fallen in deep reverence for The One who holds the miracles they need. Some have stood victoriously, hand in hand. Some have had to stand and release the heart they once held so tightly. While others are still kneeling, heart in hand.  Waiting.  Praying.  Hoping. Believing. I am with them and my soul is kneeling on their behalf.

There's a sound that a heart makes when it breaks. I have heard it countless times as I've sat alongside those who grieve the loss of relationships and marriages, some stolen by physical sickness, some stolen by betrayal. It's a sound that never stops. We just change the way we hear it. And in time, although sometimes more time than we actually have to give it, the song ends. Either way, dreams are buried and the future as they knew it, is laid to rest. I know this loss first hand. I feel it cold and fresh. It throbs so deeply with each, "It's over" that I hear.  And I am so sorry for that pain ....

Then there's the grief of having lost someone forever to Heaven that you simply wish you'd had one more visit with ... one more conversation ... one more phone call.  One less, "I don't have the time right now. But let's get together soon." Those can blister, deep and raw. I have those same scars burned hard into my flesh that remind me that time is precious. I lean in with those who hurt here and my heart beats still with them.

And so, I tend to love a little harder. Connect with more intention. Devote with more consistency. Communicate with more honesty. And pray with more surrender.  

I am discovering a beauty that only grief can teach; A rich, vibrant, passionate reminder to celebrate the life and death, of people, ideas, hopes and dreams. I have been watching it dance its' way through the lives around me. I've felt it settle on my skin, then go deeper. I am changed by it. I see rich new colors dripping through tears.  Surrender and embrace have never sounded so clear. 

I write this for those that I love so much, for those who choose to love me back and even for those that don't. 

May you lean in and love hard!