Let Downs

I unleashed a bit of fury in a recent blog entry (then opted out of posting it;) 

Ernest Hemingway once said to "write clear and hard about what hurts!" So that is what I did. And it was hard and it still hurts! But the clarity was too blinding to post. 

So instead, I took its' passion and pain and buried it deeply in a private journal entry; Protecting it from itself, and others from it. 

Here's the residue, ladened with Grace!

I've trusted, and re-trusted, in people (sometimes the same people, sometimes new ones). I've chosen to trust in ideas, in hopes and in some of the wildest dreams. I've been on both ends of the let down, as well as, the victory. 

It has shaped me from the inside out; It's filled me with a broader understanding and a vast depth of empathy. It's emptied me too; of security and of wholeness.

Some let downs wore their colors well and appropriately. Others, brought violent deaths in betrayal and confusion. All have left their mark, indelibly.

I've battled times when the let down was trying to cover me in disappointment and adorn me in its' anger, in it's self-pity. It sank roots deeply and begged to birth bitterness, disguised as fruit and flowers.

The subtleties have complicated edges; Some were trying to teach me things that I missed altogether. Other edges, sliced into me so quickly that I didn't feel it, until I saw red.

It's all left me feeling more exposed to the rawness of risk.  And while at times, I've run like hell to soothe the overloaded electric vibe, there have been other times that the let downs have brought me to my knees. Which is exactly what they were meant to do!

And I found Grace there! 

And that has made all the difference.