Truth "and" Dare

"Sometimes it's fun to scare yourself," he says.

Okay, well maybe the key word is "sometimes." And certainly it depends on what kind of scaring is actually going on.

I'm not a fan (at all!) of scary movies or haunted houses at Halloween. I'm probably too imaginative (aka:"obsessive and potentially panic attack ridden") to just accept the hoaxes for what they are.

It's one thing to jump out of an airplane (which I can disappointingly no longer do) or even not know where you're going to be living in a week (though I'm not sure if I could do that one either); But it's quite another to scare yourself emotionally. 

Direct translation: "Being Vulnerable."

I'm just getting honest enough with myself (and others) to admit that emotional vulnerability scares the s%*t out of me!  I'd prefer to climb into an underwater cage surrounded by massive Tiger sharks than have to be exposed in my shiny naked vulnerability suit. Bricks of feeling "safe" and "covered up" have been used to build walls. "Self-Protected territory" can be impenetrable, that is unless the guard decides to take a break. And when she does, venturing out of that zone can be terrifying.

Now, I can sure think on the hard things and write a wide open, bleeding and exposed blog entry or two, but actually showing up and "daring greatly" out loud, well that's another beast altogether!

But I took the dare. I had the hard conversation(s) and I asked equally hard questions; The uncomfortable ones that cause the sentences to slither and slide sideways sometimes. I made careful note of the visceral response that I had walking into (and out of) them. I noticed that eye contact burned and that tears didn't soothe the blister. I paid close attention to how I felt when the ideas and thoughts leapt out of my mouth and into the air. I watched how the air ignited with discomfort. I leaned in a little closer and resisted the urge to run like hell.

I felt (and still feel) small, strange, uncomfortable and shaky insecure, but courageous and empowered at exactly the same time! Given my deep need for feelings of "safety" and "protection," it seems moronic, I mean "ironic," to have allowed myself to go there and even more nutty to lay it out here for you to read.

But lately I've been choosing to do things differently. Albeit that I'm still a relatively calculated risk taker, I have committed to the gamble. 

Things have just been fogged up in the past few years for me. But what's being discovered now as this new season warms and the fog dissipates, is frighteningly wonderful! 

So yes, I see how it can be maybe just a little fun to scare myself:)